After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
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scenes of unspeakable carnage
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.