Baller is short for ballerina
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The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix