Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
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You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*