[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
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I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.