IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
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I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.