Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
You Might Also Like
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.