[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
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A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito