*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
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My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I think this should do it.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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5.
I drew y’all a little something.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha