Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
You Might Also Like
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
How long do you have to wait between naps?
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”