LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
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[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
My time has come.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
This is my pinned tweet
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.