Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
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The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
my first day as a raccoon
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock