My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
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Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct