Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
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do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
security at the airport getting more straightforward
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I’m literally crying
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]