pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
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Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”