I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
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The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
This classic never gets old . . .
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores