*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
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“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Um … Hot Wings please
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
What a kind woman! 😂😂
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!