when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
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If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping