“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
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from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.