God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
You Might Also Like
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.