I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
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Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
giddy up Office Depot
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”