[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
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Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.