Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
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Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?