[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
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You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Well, shit
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Realize this:
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.