[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
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[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”