Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
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I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.