Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
me when the borders lift
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭