Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
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OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Aight bet
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.