My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
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[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
David Attenborough, the confusing early years