been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
You Might Also Like
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
What about second breakfast?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted