Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
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From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw