[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
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Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up