An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
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spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage