When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
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I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
just having fun
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
when you are just born a rebel
they finally got him. they got macavity
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Attacked by a mop.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.