“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
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Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Don’t touch that.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.