Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
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“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”