Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
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Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever