WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
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Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”