*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
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Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.