What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
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them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
concern
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
*sewing*
A thread
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday