VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
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*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?