Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
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Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
When your parents check you’re ok.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes