The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
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I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.