i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
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My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
This one’s “Alex”.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..