Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
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Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later