kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
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why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
The news in a nutshell.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle