I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
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I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
🚲+physics = winner
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Monica just destroyed the internet
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no