I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
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Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Oh, I bet you would be
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner