[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
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If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
i hate you platonically
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.