the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
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poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
FINE, I WON’T.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.