One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
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i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
hi why am I like this
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Noted.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.